The Other Child

Since my blog focuses mostly on Bryce, I was asked if I struggle to make sure my other son doesn’t feel left out. It is an interesting question because I actually more often worry if Bryce feels left out because I think we pay a lot of attention to Cole. I try and pay attention to both of my kids.

What I think is an important question is how Bryce’s illness affects Cole. Mental illness

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Cole spending quality time with Terry on vacation

affects a whole family for a wide variety of reasons. Luckily, our family is strong and I think has become strong in spite of or at times because of what we have been through.

As for Cole, when we were interviewed for the Sheppard Pratt Heal magazine in 2014, I asked Cole how Bryce’s illness affected him. He said, “it effected me emotionally when he went to the hospital because I did not have a brother at home to play with. I felt lonely.”

When Cole talks about when Bryce was in the hospital, those were the times when our family was in crisis. Things were bad for a long time. When Bryce was younger and truly unstable, he was violent- not towards Cole, but towards himself and towards me as his mother. Bryce had no impulse control, no frustration tolerance, and he could not handle his moods. Anything could trigger him and we never knew what was coming. He would be fine one minute, and then he would explode. These outbursts would result in physical attacks, objects being thrown, and Bryce wanting to hurt himself – banging his head against the wall, trying to jump from the balcony, running around the neighborhood trying to get hit by cars, and so on.

As a parent, my job was to keep my kids safe. Bryce was so unpredictable that was hard to do for him. I also had to worry about Cole’s safety – emotionally and physically. I did not want Bryce’s behavior and illness to affect him negatively. I needed to have a safety plan. When things were at their worst, I usually had another adult home with me. I hired someone to be here with me during the hours that the kids were home from school but Terry was at work. If there were times when we were alone and Bryce was having a tantrum, I had a code word that Cole knew. Cole knew to lock himself in the basement or go to a friends house.

There were times Cole would get upset that we were giving more attention to Bryce or that Bryce did not get a consequence. This is common in families with children with special needs. I actually think this is common in a lot of families. Bryce does not handle consequences well, especially when in crisis. We would explain to Cole that life for Bryce is not easy and so while it might seem unfair that he isn’t getting the same types of punishments as Cole or that we are having to spend time dealing with a situation, life is not always fair for Bryce either.

We always made sure we explained things to Cole in ways and with words that he could understand. For example, when Bryce had to go to the hospital, we’d explain to Cole that Bryce’s brain was sick.

While life might not be easy for Bryce, it is not always easy to live with Bryce either. And it does take up a lot of time and attention. For this reason, we would make sure that Cole got his special attention as well – special trips with Terry, special time with Mom. He deserved it. Family vacations were always hectic, including a Spring Break trip that got canceled because Bryce was in the hospital.

For now, our crisis has passed and Bryce is stable. Cole seems to have come through crisis pretty well. He is thriving. Cole is strong, kindhearted and caring. I hope it continues.

If you have a child with special needs and other children as well, I have these tips

1. Have a safety plan – If your child is known to be violent, make sure your other children know what to do to be safe. This can mean locking themselves in a room, calling someone, leaving the house and going to a neighbors or anything else reasonable and age appropriate that you come up with. You need to make sure that they know when to act on the safety plan and that they feel safe. I strongly recommend having an aide. The person does not have to be trained to deal with special needs children, they just need to be there for your other child or to help you when needed.

2. Spend special time with the child not in crisis – A child with special needs takes up a lot of time and energy, especially when that child is in crisis. Make sure you plan some alone time if possible with your other children. This could be a special night out, but it can also be as simple as reading a book at night or cooking a favorite meal.

3. Explain in simple terms why you “parent” each child differently – Many times children with special needs do not respond to traditional consequences and this can be hard for other children to understand and comes across as unfair. Explain to your other children in age appropriate terms why you are parenting differently, that each child is special in their own way and your other child is not just “getting away with it.”

4. Allow the child to talk to someone – Don’t think that just because someone doesn’t have special needs or a mental illness they don’t need to talk to a therapist or other professional. If there is violence or a crisis going on in your house, it might be a good idea for your child to speak to a professional.

For additional help and resources, check out these links:

Supporting Children with Special-Needs Siblings

The Other Kid

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Thank you Congressman Murphy!

One person can make a difference!!

I hope to make a difference in the world, even if it is just a little difference. Today I actually did. 

The stigma that surrounds mental illness has long been something that I have been fighting to try and stop. That is one of the reasons I talk about our family’s story. One way to get rid of that stigma is to see the person, not the illness – and to do that you need to use people- first language. PeopleFirst Language  emphasizes the person, not the disability by putting the person first.  No one says, “ I am cancer, ” so you don’t say, “I am schizophrenic.” 

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#mainintree

Earlier today I saw several posts on Facebook and other articles about the “Schizophrenic #Manintree.” A Facebook post was written by Tim Murphy, U.S. Representative from Pennsylvania’s 18th Congressional District, a champion for Mental Healthcare reform.  His post hoped to get people’s attention at the absurdity of the the arrest and disposition of Cody Lee Miller, a man who spent 24 hours atop  a Sequoia tree outside of Seattle.  Instead of getting this man psychiatric help, a judge ordered him to have “no unwanted contact” from the tree and pay $50,000 in bail. Murphy went on to state that people were up in arms about the tree but there was no concern about this man’s need medical needs.  He further states that Cody’s mom is trying desperately to help her son but “Congress is still stalling on his Helping Families In Mental Health Crisis Act, HR 2646.”

I completely support Congressman Murphy and this bill. I have advocated for this Bill. But I couldn’t get passed the first line of his Facebook post because all I saw was the stigmatizing statement of “Schizophrenic #Manintree.”  So, I commented on the Facebook Post (which has 9600 shares and 7900 likes) –

Everyone wants to get him help but you are calling him “schizophrenic man in tree”. That makes him not seem like a person. How about the “man with schizophrenia who was in the tree”

And guess what? My friend Nicole commented too.  She wanted to write the same thing.  I responded and said I was going to blog about it.  Five more people liked it. 18 minutes I went back to the post to get the exact wording to write this blog. And guess what?  The Facebook post now says this, “ “#ManinTree who has been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and desperately needs psychiatric care”.

It worked.  How amazing is that? My one comment was noticed and it made a difference.

Congressman Murphy is making a difference.

Cody’s mother who is fighting to get him help is making a difference.

My friend Nicole is making a difference.

Everyone else that is commenting and reading this are making a difference.

One person can make a difference.

Keep it up everyone.

And remember, a person with mental illness, is a person with mental illness, not a mentally ill person.

Thank you.

The original post to Facebook from Congressman Murphy:

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