Since my blog focuses mostly on Bryce, I was asked if I struggle to make sure my other son doesn’t feel left out. It is an interesting question because I actually more often worry if Bryce feels left out because I think we pay a lot of attention to Cole. I try and pay attention to both of my kids.
What I think is an important question is how Bryce’s illness affects Cole. Mental illness
affects a whole family for a wide variety of reasons. Luckily, our family is strong and I think has become strong in spite of or at times because of what we have been through.
As for Cole, when we were interviewed for the Sheppard Pratt Heal magazine in 2014, I asked Cole how Bryce’s illness affected him. He said, “it effected me emotionally when he went to the hospital because I did not have a brother at home to play with. I felt lonely.”
When Cole talks about when Bryce was in the hospital, those were the times when our family was in crisis. Things were bad for a long time. When Bryce was younger and truly unstable, he was violent- not towards Cole, but towards himself and towards me as his mother. Bryce had no impulse control, no frustration tolerance, and he could not handle his moods. Anything could trigger him and we never knew what was coming. He would be fine one minute, and then he would explode. These outbursts would result in physical attacks, objects being thrown, and Bryce wanting to hurt himself – banging his head against the wall, trying to jump from the balcony, running around the neighborhood trying to get hit by cars, and so on.
As a parent, my job was to keep my kids safe. Bryce was so unpredictable that was hard to do for him. I also had to worry about Cole’s safety – emotionally and physically. I did not want Bryce’s behavior and illness to affect him negatively. I needed to have a safety plan. When things were at their worst, I usually had another adult home with me. I hired someone to be here with me during the hours that the kids were home from school but Terry was at work. If there were times when we were alone and Bryce was having a tantrum, I had a code word that Cole knew. Cole knew to lock himself in the basement or go to a friends house.
There were times Cole would get upset that we were giving more attention to Bryce or that Bryce did not get a consequence. This is common in families with children with special needs. I actually think this is common in a lot of families. Bryce does not handle consequences well, especially when in crisis. We would explain to Cole that life for Bryce is not easy and so while it might seem unfair that he isn’t getting the same types of punishments as Cole or that we are having to spend time dealing with a situation, life is not always fair for Bryce either.
We always made sure we explained things to Cole in ways and with words that he could understand. For example, when Bryce had to go to the hospital, we’d explain to Cole that Bryce’s brain was sick.
While life might not be easy for Bryce, it is not always easy to live with Bryce either. And it does take up a lot of time and attention. For this reason, we would make sure that Cole got his special attention as well – special trips with Terry, special time with Mom. He deserved it. Family vacations were always hectic, including a Spring Break trip that got canceled because Bryce was in the hospital.
For now, our crisis has passed and Bryce is stable. Cole seems to have come through crisis pretty well. He is thriving. Cole is strong, kindhearted and caring. I hope it continues.
If you have a child with special needs and other children as well, I have these tips
1. Have a safety plan – If your child is known to be violent, make sure your other children know what to do to be safe. This can mean locking themselves in a room, calling someone, leaving the house and going to a neighbors or anything else reasonable and age appropriate that you come up with. You need to make sure that they know when to act on the safety plan and that they feel safe. I strongly recommend having an aide. The person does not have to be trained to deal with special needs children, they just need to be there for your other child or to help you when needed.
2. Spend special time with the child not in crisis – A child with special needs takes up a lot of time and energy, especially when that child is in crisis. Make sure you plan some alone time if possible with your other children. This could be a special night out, but it can also be as simple as reading a book at night or cooking a favorite meal.
3. Explain in simple terms why you “parent” each child differently – Many times children with special needs do not respond to traditional consequences and this can be hard for other children to understand and comes across as unfair. Explain to your other children in age appropriate terms why you are parenting differently, that each child is special in their own way and your other child is not just “getting away with it.”
4. Allow the child to talk to someone – Don’t think that just because someone doesn’t have special needs or a mental illness they don’t need to talk to a therapist or other professional. If there is violence or a crisis going on in your house, it might be a good idea for your child to speak to a professional.
For additional help and resources, check out these links: