Dear Parent of a Child Diagnosed with a Mental Illness

Dear Parent of a child who was just diagnosed with a mental illness,

I know how you are feeling. I remember when I first got my son’s official diagnosis – ADHD and Mood Disorder – NOS. There were other words. I remember it said Bryce would not be able to attend kindergarten without medication. I was sad, scared and worried. I am sure you are feeling all of these emotions and others.IMG_0173

Your expectations for your child may change, but this is not the end of the world. No matter what diagnosis your child was given, nothing about your child has changed. You still have the same child who you love, laugh with and cry with. Your child will still make you smile and still piss you off a lot.

Hearing or Reading the words – whatever they are – Depression, Bipolar Disorder, ADHD, etc. is hard, but they are just words. Do not worry so much about the exact diagnosis. It can change. It will change. Bryce’s has changed several times. It will probably change again. Unfortunately, mental illness is not an exact science.

Having been through this, I can offer some advice. Hopefully you find something here that’s helpful.

  • Find professionals that you like. If you are not comfortable with the psychiatrist, social worker or therapist you are using, change. You have every right to do that. Ask for recommendations from people you know and trust. Each time you change, you tell your story again so it can be tiring, but if it is to find a good fit, it is worth it.
  • Ask for help at your child’s school. Ask the school for an evaluation so your child can get accommodations – a 504 plan or an Individual Education Plan (IEP). Even if you do not think your child needs help academically, there may come a time where they need breaks, social skills support or other accommodations. They deserve this. They may also qualify for OT, Speech Therapy, etc. There are so many resources out there that you may not be aware of. If you can afford it, hire an Educational Consultant. You will get more services quicker because the school systems will know you mean business.
  • Understand the diagnosis, but do not worry so much about it. Make sure that the professionals working with you are treating the behaviors and symptoms – the impulses, the depression, the hyperactivity, psychosis, anger, etc. The diagnosis may matter, however, for certain services and resources. For example, in some circumstances. if you get an autism diagnosis, there may be more resources available to your child.
  • Research all you can. Find out what programs are offered in your area for support, therapy, social skills, etc. For example, are there any organizations that offer after-school activities for children with special needs.
  • Join a support group. If you want to talk to other parents going through the same thing, look for a support group in your area. Most NAMI chapters offer one. NAMI also offers classes that teach the basics of supporting a family member with a mental illness. If you join an online support group, DO NOT listen to everyone on the Internet. Everyone’s situation is different and some people only want to complain. Find what helps you, take breaks when it seems tough, and find the support that is helpful to you.
  • Take care of yourself. Don’t forget to take care of yourself. Self care is crucial in order to be a good parent.
  • Try not to worry and think too much about the future. This is incredibly hard to do, but you have to try and take things day by day. Sometimes even hour by hour. Things will change. A few years ago, I was told to prepare for the fact that my son would most likely have to live in a Residential Treatment Center. He was that unstable. He had five hospitalizations, including one that lasted for 45 days. I was not wanting to accept that. I worked hard to get him into a Therapeutic Day School. We changed his medications. We changed his behavior plan. We worked on his self-esteem. It took time, but we worked hard to make things better.  Things have changed – the diagnosis – now it is Bipolar, PDD, Anxiety, ADHD. He has sensory processing disorder as well and language delays.images

    But with all of those words, Bryce is also doing better. He is now mostly stable, has been stable for a few years and is doing well. There are bumps in the road, but that is ok. Right now my son has a friend from school over and they are going to the Trampoline place tonight, together. Typical teenage Friday night behavior.

So, what do I tell you as a parent? There is hope. There will be ups and downs.

Just do your best, whatever that best is on any given day. That is what I was told, and that is what I pass on to you.

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Mental Health Awareness Month

It is Mental Health Awareness Month. It is also Children’s Mental Health Awareness Week. Everything has a day or a week these days. It is also Lemonade Day. Really? Does lemonade need a day? Do we need awareness for Lemonade?ChYhsaQU8AAq2fy

We do need awareness for Mental Illness and especially Children’s Mental Health.

Did you know that 1 in 5 children deal with a mental illness? And out of those children, 1 in 5 of them will not receive any help, treatment or services. What happens to those children that do not get help?

• Half of the children will drop out of high school
•  They are twice as likely to start using illicit drugs or alcohol
•  They are more likely to end up in the juvenile justice system
•  Many attempt suicide

I do not think that anyone reading this said, “Oh, those are my hopes and dreams for my child.”

We all hope for children that grow up to be doctors, engineers and lawyers, to excel at sports. We want our kids to be popular. We hope our kids do not struggle, do not talk back to us. We hope that other parents compliment us on how well behaved our children are. We hope that our child is a Straight A student, on the honor roll, asked to prom, picked first in gym class (are they allowed to do that anymore?), asked out on a date (even though secretly that might be a fear), go to college, etc.

Parents often do not want to face the reality that their children are not “perfect.” But just because your child has an illness, does not mean they are going to be any less perfect than you hoped. They might just need some help, treatment, additional skills, or maybe a little extra support. They might be different than you might have envisioned but perfect in their own way.

If your child had a medical illness, you would not hesitate to seek treatment. You would not hope or pray they would grow out of it. You would not just assume they were lazy or badly behaved. You would seek out answers and help them. You would not tell your child who has cancer that they got cancer for attention. You would not tell your child who broke their leg that you aren’t taking them to get a cast because you don’t want others know about it. Yet because of the stigma associated with mental illness, and because of the lack of knowledge people have, people do not get help for their children when they might have a mental illness. This includes anxiety, ADHD, depression, bipolar disorder, autism and others.

Mental illness is an illness of the brain. Mental health problems can be hard to identify especially because some behaviors may just be typical development during certain ages of development. There are so many resources out there that can help you identify what is typical and when you need to seek help. The earlier you seek help, the better. Early intervention has been shown to have a major impact when it comes to children. My own experience with my son has shown this to be true.

It is not easy to come to terms with the fact that the perfect child you wanted may not be “perfect.” It is not easy as a parent to face the fact that your child might hurt emotionally, that that your child might be different. But if you get them help, they can cope. They can succeed.

Do not worry about your child being labeled because of services they might receive at school or in the community. You would put them in a cast if their leg is broken and would not worry about them being labeled as someone with a broken leg. Well, if their brain is broken or injured, do your best to get it fixed. Doesn’t that sound like a better option than drugs, jail, dropping out of school or suicide? I think so.

Feel free to contact me to talk about it. I am not a therapist or a doctor, but I am someone with experience.  For immediate assistance, call 1-800-422-0009.