Early Intervention and Prevention: IT MATTERS!

Many of you know my story. You know that Bryce is now doing well. He is in a full-time therapeutic school and gets the support that he needs. It took years to get Bryce at The Frost School. He struggled immensely in elementary school and it was a difficult road. We asked for an Individualized Education Program (IEP) as soon as he started kindergarten and were told that he did not qualify. We tried again in first grade and he was given a 504 plan which is not binding and does not give the same protections as an IEP. Bryce continued downhill – he was not completing schoolwork, he was suspended and restrained repeatedly and he was hospitalized numerous times. It was traumatic. 

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Bryce feeling good at The Frost School

This summer I saw Bryce’s second grade teacher for the first time in years. We were chatting about how well Bryce is now doing. She told me,The year I had Bryce was the hardest year I’ve ever taught.”

When his second grade teacher said those words to me it devastated me. She did not mean it to cause me pain though. She did not mean to suggest she didn’t want him as her student. She didn’t say it because Bryce was a difficult student. I mean – he was. But she meant it a different way. It was hard on her emotionally. She saw Bryce restrained over 10 times. She felt hopeless. When we did finally have a meeting to try and get Bryce an IEP she told the truth. She did not sugar coat anything. She told the county she spent over 60% of her time with Bryce. She told them that Bryce needed additional services, that he needed smaller class size and could not be safely maintained in the classroom. Yet, since Bryce did not even have an IEP at the time, the county determined that there was more they could try at his home school. They were not willing to fund full-time special education. Although early intervention and prevention would have benefited Bryce, the school system does not work that way. They did not yet see full failure and they believe in a least restrictive environment and maintaining children in their home schools.

Although Bryce was finally able to receive an IEP and a placement at a full-time therapeutic school in 4th grade, it should not have taken that long. The placement was recommended after Bryce spent an hour and a half banging his head on cement walls and breaking the door off of the quiet room at his school. It was finally determined then and only then that the public school could not adequately maintain him. It should never have gotten that far. There were warning signs and Bryce was not making progress in school. Bryce is in 8th grade and even though he is safe and doing well, he is years behind grade level. He struggles with every day tasks and may never catch up to his peers.

If he had gotten adequate support starting in kindergarten, could things have been different? We will never know. We tried. I had him in private therapy early on and I ASKED, BEGGED, PLEADED for services from the school but they were not provided. Why is it difficult to get our children the help they need? Why do our kids have to hit rock bottom, scream for help or hurt themselves before they are given appropriate placements?

I realize it is too costly to give support to everyone. However, early intervention and prevention matter. Research shows that early intervention works and can have long-term benefits. Providing support when the brain is still developing is crucial for children to ensure positive outcomes. Young people who struggle with mental health problems miss more school resulting in lower grades and educational outcomes than students with stable mental health. There is evidence that money can be saved in the long-run if screening procedures are in place to identify those that would benefit from extra support or special education services. That is because paying for long-term disability or hospitalization has significantly higher costs than paying for up-front interventions. However, governments and school systems are not set up to lay out money until there is a problem and need is proven. Once someone is already sick or struggling, costs for treatment skyrocket.

In addition to saving money, we can save children. Evidence shows that early intervention can improve educational outcomes and well as emotional well-being. Many people are afraid to get help for their mental health due to stigma. If teachers and school systems are trained to identify students early in a non-threatening, mainstreamed way similar to hearing and vision tests, it will become commonplace and normalized. Mental health matters as much as physical health and should be part of normal school screenings.

Having gone through the IEP process now, I have counseled many friends on what to do and what to ask for. It feels good to help others in crisis and I am happy to assist those in crisis or who need advice. I can tell you that it helps to have a lawyer or educational consultant but that can cost thousands of dollars. Many people with children that are struggling cannot afford that. We tried early on to get Bryce the help he deserved. We told the school in kindergarten of Bryce’s challenges and his diagnosis. They did nothing. It took years before they helped. It should not have to be that way.

As parents, educators, and advocates we must continue to stand up for children and ask for early intervention. We must ask for services, recommend more funding for programs and training in schools. We must make it the norm that all children get what they need. It should not be a fight, it should be a given. We owe it to our kids, our future and our communities.

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Mental Health, Stigma and Honesty

I previously wrote a blog post about what I say when people ask me about Bryce. It is a difficult question to answer. I am an advocate for mental health awareness and for my son. I am a stigma fighter. I help raise awareness for mental health, I advocate for mental health reform. I volunteer for the Crisis Text Line, for Sheppard Pratt Health Care Center. I worked with adults with severe mental illness. I write this blog. My goal is to make people know that it makes you strong, not weak, to get help and that mental illness is no different than any other illness.

I have never shied away from telling people that Bryce had a mental illness, but it has often been difficult to explain or find the right words to describe him. It is sometimes difficult because you worry about how others will react or what people know about mental illness. It has also been frustrating because it has been confusing as to exactly what Bryce’s diagnosis is. When I asked my husband Terry, he says that he tells people simply that Bryce “has serious mental health issues”. For me, it depends on my own mood what I say. Sometimes I say that Bryce has severe special needs. Sometimes I say that Bryce has severe mental illness or that he has Bipolar Disorder, ADHD, Anxiety and developmental delays. That is a mouthful.

Yesterday we received the results of his most recent psychological and educational tests. The results stated that Bryce meets criteria for a child with Autism. Finally. We have tried to get that diagnosis for years. The doctor who did the testing and analyzed the results stated that Bryce probably always met the criteria. As of yesterday, I can say that Bryce is a child with Autism, Depression and Anxiety. It is a clear diagnosis and easy to say. I can say it again. Bryce is a child with Autism, Depression and Anxiety.

Nothing has changed between the day before yesterday and yesterday. Bryce is the same child today that he was last week. He is the same 14 year old he was two weeks ago, but he has a new diagnosis, a new label, a new way that I can described him. I have been given a new way that I can explain his behaviors, his quirkiness, the reasoning behind why he is the way he is.

But, along with this new diagnosis and label, I also feel guilty. I like the new way I can describe Bryce. Why? It is easier, clearer and of course, comes with less stigma. Yet, I am the one that is outspoken and fights stigma. I am the one who says it is ok to say you live with a mental illness. Bryce still has a mental illness. He still struggles everyday. But now we get to say Autism. Not one mention of Bipolar Disorder in the new report.

I want the stigma of mental illness to go away. I want people to think the same way about someone with Bipolar Disorder that they do about someone with cancer. But, even for me, even for someone who is an advocate for mental illness, it is easier to tell someone, Bryce is a child with Autism than Bryce is a child with Bipolar Disorder. It is also easier for me because it is less scary. Less scary that Bryce might hurt himself. But in reality, he still has suicidal ideation, he is still anxious and he still struggles with school.

So, does it even matter? I don’t know. I wish that I did. I want to say that it is not true. I want to say I am better than any words or labels. I want to say I am stigma free. I thought I was. But maybe all of us have a little stigma inside of us. We can only do our best.soical-stigma

Dear Parent of a Child Diagnosed with a Mental Illness

Dear Parent of a child who was just diagnosed with a mental illness,

I know how you are feeling. I remember when I first got my son’s official diagnosis – ADHD and Mood Disorder – NOS. There were other words. I remember it said Bryce would not be able to attend kindergarten without medication. I was sad, scared and worried. I am sure you are feeling all of these emotions and others.IMG_0173

Your expectations for your child may change, but this is not the end of the world. No matter what diagnosis your child was given, nothing about your child has changed. You still have the same child who you love, laugh with and cry with. Your child will still make you smile and still piss you off a lot.

Hearing or Reading the words – whatever they are – Depression, Bipolar Disorder, ADHD, etc. is hard, but they are just words. Do not worry so much about the exact diagnosis. It can change. It will change. Bryce’s has changed several times. It will probably change again. Unfortunately, mental illness is not an exact science.

Having been through this, I can offer some advice. Hopefully you find something here that’s helpful.

  • Find professionals that you like. If you are not comfortable with the psychiatrist, social worker or therapist you are using, change. You have every right to do that. Ask for recommendations from people you know and trust. Each time you change, you tell your story again so it can be tiring, but if it is to find a good fit, it is worth it.
  • Ask for help at your child’s school. Ask the school for an evaluation so your child can get accommodations – a 504 plan or an Individual Education Plan (IEP). Even if you do not think your child needs help academically, there may come a time where they need breaks, social skills support or other accommodations. They deserve this. They may also qualify for OT, Speech Therapy, etc. There are so many resources out there that you may not be aware of. If you can afford it, hire an Educational Consultant. You will get more services quicker because the school systems will know you mean business.
  • Understand the diagnosis, but do not worry so much about it. Make sure that the professionals working with you are treating the behaviors and symptoms – the impulses, the depression, the hyperactivity, psychosis, anger, etc. The diagnosis may matter, however, for certain services and resources. For example, in some circumstances. if you get an autism diagnosis, there may be more resources available to your child.
  • Research all you can. Find out what programs are offered in your area for support, therapy, social skills, etc. For example, are there any organizations that offer after-school activities for children with special needs.
  • Join a support group. If you want to talk to other parents going through the same thing, look for a support group in your area. Most NAMI chapters offer one. NAMI also offers classes that teach the basics of supporting a family member with a mental illness. If you join an online support group, DO NOT listen to everyone on the Internet. Everyone’s situation is different and some people only want to complain. Find what helps you, take breaks when it seems tough, and find the support that is helpful to you.
  • Take care of yourself. Don’t forget to take care of yourself. Self care is crucial in order to be a good parent.
  • Try not to worry and think too much about the future. This is incredibly hard to do, but you have to try and take things day by day. Sometimes even hour by hour. Things will change. A few years ago, I was told to prepare for the fact that my son would most likely have to live in a Residential Treatment Center. He was that unstable. He had five hospitalizations, including one that lasted for 45 days. I was not wanting to accept that. I worked hard to get him into a Therapeutic Day School. We changed his medications. We changed his behavior plan. We worked on his self-esteem. It took time, but we worked hard to make things better.  Things have changed – the diagnosis – now it is Bipolar, PDD, Anxiety, ADHD. He has sensory processing disorder as well and language delays.images

    But with all of those words, Bryce is also doing better. He is now mostly stable, has been stable for a few years and is doing well. There are bumps in the road, but that is ok. Right now my son has a friend from school over and they are going to the Trampoline place tonight, together. Typical teenage Friday night behavior.

So, what do I tell you as a parent? There is hope. There will be ups and downs.

Just do your best, whatever that best is on any given day. That is what I was told, and that is what I pass on to you.

Mother’s Day – A Story of Hope

I talk about Bryce’s story. But I do not always tell my own. This is part of my story.

On Mother’s Day Weekend, I celebrate being a mom. I celebrate the two women who made me a mom, my children’s birth mothers. I celebrate my mother and my mother-in-law who are amazing mothers, and my sister who I love so much and is also a fabulous mother. I celebrate all of my friends who are mothers. As mothers we work hard, we do our best.Best-Happy-Mothers-Day-Images

My path to Motherhood was not as easy as some.

I always knew I wanted to be a mom. I could not wait to be a mom. I was working long days (and nights) as a corporate attorney. I could not wait until I could tell them that I was pregnant and would be going on maternity leave. But every month my “friend” would come. I was not pregnant. Again. And Again.

After months and months and months of trying, we knew we needed to do something. We got tested.

I am not going to go into all of the details, but we found out that we were not going to be able to have a baby naturally and we needed to do IVF if we wanted to have a baby. We went to a highly recommended specialist in Dallas who told Terry and me that we were young and healthy and there was no reason IVF should not work for us. I took all of the meds, did everything I was told. It was not easy. It was a miserable experience, but we did it.

Not pregnant. Lots of tears. Lots of money. Lots of pain. Failure.

We will try again. The doctor said that our embryos were very good so that was not the problem. At the time, I worked as a corporate attorney at one of the biggest law firms in the world. It was a high stress job. Maybe it was stress? I remember clearly that the managing partner at the time came in my office and suggested that I take a month off to concentrate on the IVF. Rest, he said. Don’t worry. We want you to take the time. We will still pay you.

What? A month off paid to try and get pregnant? Who does that? It was awesome.

Round two – this time we were told we had perfect embryos. PERFECT. They said. As I was leaving the embryologist said to me, “Congratulations on your twins.” I cried. REALLY?

The 10 days you wait. Those awful 10 days. I waited. I felt terrible.

NOT PREGNANT. I cried. I was a failure again. But she said I’d be pregnant. The doctor called.

You should probably think about not trying again. Maybe try a surrogate. I don’t think I can help you.” Failure. A huge failure. But they gave me time off. I am a woman. My job is to get pregnant. My other job gave me time to get pregnant. I have always succeeded at things. Why can’t I do this?

That was Sept. 8, 2001. I failed. My high-pressured job told me to take a month off and relax I get pregnant. I did not. I went back to work on Sept. 10, 2001 to face them as a failure.

The next day the world came crashing down. Literally. I watched the towers fall as my own personal world was crumbling. I was not going to have a child. I had let everyone down. I could not take it. Slowly, I began to crumble just as the towers fell.

My husband Terry worked for Southwest Airlines. I was worried that my husband was going to lose his job. I was worried there would be an another terrorist attack at any minute. My house was in a flight path. Every time a plane flew overhead I thought it was going to crash into my house. Planes flew by my office window. I thought everyone of them was going to crash into my office. I could not be in my house. I could not be in my office.

I could not sleep. I could not eat. I could not stay in my house.

I quit my job. I lost a lot of weight. I cried. I drank. I literally had a breakdown.

People told me I needed help. Terry was there for me but I know he was scared. My coworkers  were there for me. They told me I needed help. Terry told me I needed help. I knew I needed help. I found a therapist. I was diagnosed with PTSD. They said that the combination of the two events happening simultaneously was too much. There were other things too that contributed to it, but those were the triggering events.

It took time to recover. I started to sleep. I went back to work. Medicine helped get me on the right path. I decided to keep going on my path to have a baby.

I would adopt a baby. I was devastated when the doctor told me to give up, but I was not going to let him keep me down. I was devastated that I felt like a failure, but I was going to find the strength to keep going.

I made some calls. I walked into Hope Cottage, a local adoption agency, and from that day, it just felt right.

I have told Karen’s – Bryce’s birth mom’s – story of recovery and how I loved her when I first met her.  And I told you that I love her.  I love her for so many reasons – one of which is because she helped save me too. She made me a mother when I couldn’t be a mom. She allowed me to not be a failure.

I did not have a baby grow inside of me, but I did have a baby with the help of Karen. I did not give up, I made a choice and chose another way to be a mom. I needed help and she helped me with her choice as well.

I was suffering from PTSD after 9/11 and after failing to have a baby. But Karen and Bryce saved me.

You never know how things are going to go in your life. You never know what will happen. I thought I was not going to be a Mother. So on Mother’s Day I celebrate the fact that I am a Mother. I celebrate my Mother. And I celebrate the women who made me a Mother.

Don’t ever give up. Don’t let someone say something to you and let it make you change your dreams.

Thank you and Happy Mother’s Day.

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Mental Health Awareness Month

It is Mental Health Awareness Month. It is also Children’s Mental Health Awareness Week. Everything has a day or a week these days. It is also Lemonade Day. Really? Does lemonade need a day? Do we need awareness for Lemonade?ChYhsaQU8AAq2fy

We do need awareness for Mental Illness and especially Children’s Mental Health.

Did you know that 1 in 5 children deal with a mental illness? And out of those children, 1 in 5 of them will not receive any help, treatment or services. What happens to those children that do not get help?

• Half of the children will drop out of high school
•  They are twice as likely to start using illicit drugs or alcohol
•  They are more likely to end up in the juvenile justice system
•  Many attempt suicide

I do not think that anyone reading this said, “Oh, those are my hopes and dreams for my child.”

We all hope for children that grow up to be doctors, engineers and lawyers, to excel at sports. We want our kids to be popular. We hope our kids do not struggle, do not talk back to us. We hope that other parents compliment us on how well behaved our children are. We hope that our child is a Straight A student, on the honor roll, asked to prom, picked first in gym class (are they allowed to do that anymore?), asked out on a date (even though secretly that might be a fear), go to college, etc.

Parents often do not want to face the reality that their children are not “perfect.” But just because your child has an illness, does not mean they are going to be any less perfect than you hoped. They might just need some help, treatment, additional skills, or maybe a little extra support. They might be different than you might have envisioned but perfect in their own way.

If your child had a medical illness, you would not hesitate to seek treatment. You would not hope or pray they would grow out of it. You would not just assume they were lazy or badly behaved. You would seek out answers and help them. You would not tell your child who has cancer that they got cancer for attention. You would not tell your child who broke their leg that you aren’t taking them to get a cast because you don’t want others know about it. Yet because of the stigma associated with mental illness, and because of the lack of knowledge people have, people do not get help for their children when they might have a mental illness. This includes anxiety, ADHD, depression, bipolar disorder, autism and others.

Mental illness is an illness of the brain. Mental health problems can be hard to identify especially because some behaviors may just be typical development during certain ages of development. There are so many resources out there that can help you identify what is typical and when you need to seek help. The earlier you seek help, the better. Early intervention has been shown to have a major impact when it comes to children. My own experience with my son has shown this to be true.

It is not easy to come to terms with the fact that the perfect child you wanted may not be “perfect.” It is not easy as a parent to face the fact that your child might hurt emotionally, that that your child might be different. But if you get them help, they can cope. They can succeed.

Do not worry about your child being labeled because of services they might receive at school or in the community. You would put them in a cast if their leg is broken and would not worry about them being labeled as someone with a broken leg. Well, if their brain is broken or injured, do your best to get it fixed. Doesn’t that sound like a better option than drugs, jail, dropping out of school or suicide? I think so.

Feel free to contact me to talk about it. I am not a therapist or a doctor, but I am someone with experience.  For immediate assistance, call 1-800-422-0009.

To tell or not to Tell?

Inspired by the clients I work with who are always wondering if they should talk about their mental illness.

My son Cole is a competitive swimmer and we attend a lot of swim meets, swim practices,etc. When you attend these events, you meet a lot of other swim parents, and

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Bryce loves being in the ocean. Here he is with his brother and cousins.

 

typically the conversations result in questions about other children, including of course, “Does your other son swim?” A lot of swimmers are part of swim families, and all of the kids swim. Well, not so much in our family. I mean, Bryce swims. He loves the water. Bryce is sensory-seeking – meaning he craves stimulation. Swimming, taking baths, jumping in waves in the ocean – all of those things fully stimulate your entire body. So, yes, Bryce loves to swim, but he is not a “swimmer” like Cole.

Of course, when you answer, “No, he doesn’t swim,” the next questions is always, ‘what does he do?” It’s not rude or even nosy. It is just conversation and of course people think that when you have a son as into their sport as Cole your other son MUST also be into something. So, how do I answer? Sometimes I just say, well Bryce is a video game kid and not really a sports kid. But, I always think, do I need to explain more? Do I tell them that Bryce has tried to participate in sports but it is so difficult for him? Do I share with them that Bryce has special needs. How do I explain it? Do I go into detail, or leave it at “special needs?” Do I say, Bryce has behavioral issues? That isn’t really correct. Do I say, Bryce is diagnosed with mental illness? Or, do I go into details.

Bryce is diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, ADHD, Sensory Processing Disorder, Anxiety, Executive Functioning Disorder and has developmental delays. He is probably somewhere on the Austism Spectrum. I mean sometimes I don’t even know what to say because the list is so long and the list can change.

Or, do I tell them, well we tried soccer when he was younger. But since Bryce didn’t understand how to play the game, got frustrated and had impulse control issues, he just ran into the other kids. We tried swimming. Bryce made it through two practices before he realized that you had to actually pay attention and swim back and forth in the lane over and over again. So that didn’t work. We tried diving. The description for diving said it was great for kids with ADHD. and it was at the same time as swim practice. Perfect, I thought. That was going really well until we wound up in the emergency room because Bryce got upset to the point where he wanted to kill himself (that is a whole other post). We recently tried an art class. And guess what? Bryce made it through half the class before he decided he didn’t want to do it. But, he calmly came and told me he wanted to leave. He didn’t scream, yell, call anyone names, hit anyone or throw anything. Success!!

I know I do not need to tell anyone that Bryce is diagnosed with a mental illness or that he has developmental delays. Yet, many times I do. Why? To explain why it is that he plays a lot video games? Is that me feeling a need to not feel guilty?. Probably a little. Is that our society expecting everyone these days to “do something.” Probably a little. It is also just me telling about Bryce. That is who he is. He is special. I also do it because I want to stand up against stigma. I want people to know that it is okay to talk about mental illness. That I am not afraid to talk about it. And, when I do talk about it, other people talk about it. Maybe other people will get help for their child or find services. Because we have had success for Bryce and that is because we do get him help.

So, what does Bryce do? He loves video games, drawing, animals, stuffed animals, jumping on the trampoline and swimming. He loves swimming.

Parents of Special Needs Kids? – What do you tell people about your child? Please leave a comment.

What’s in a Name?

How did I pick the name for this blog? Bryce gets sad, anxious, depressed – especially at night which causes him to not want to go to sleep. I too had a lot of trouble sleeping when I was younger. (see, Bryce does take after me!). I remember that my mom used to tell me to “think of happy things” to help me fall asleep. I used to think, “right, like that is going to work.” Even though we all think we aren’t going to grow up and be just like our parents, I guess we do because that is the same thing I say to Bryce. When he is anxious, or scared, or sad, I hear it come out of my mouth, “Bryce, think of happy things.” That will relax you and help you fall asleep. Of course, he might tell me that nothing makes him happy, but of course there are lots of things that we can think of together. It might be hard at times to think of those things, especially for a kid or anyone who is dealing with severe depression, bipolar disorder or anxiety, but it can be done.

Everyone’s happy things are different, but being able to think of them is important and a great coping skill to teach children (and adults for that matter). Bryce’s happy things will change over time, as do all of ours. Right now Bryce thinks of the beach, our golden IMG_4148retriever Griffin, his favorite stuffed animals, his video games, jumping on the trampoline, and how much his family loves him. I hope these things always make him happy.

I do realize that when you or someone you love are truly depressed or anxious – it is hard to just think of happy things, and get happy. That telling someone to just be happy is not helpful. Sometimes, you just need to listen, be there, give someone a hug and tell them you understand. There are plenty of nights that I have done just that for Bryce. Those nights the most important thing to remember is to try not to cry, at least not in front of Bryce, but to just be strong for him. I can cry when he can’t see me. That is when I have to remember to think of my happy things.

Having a sad kid is hard. Probably one of the hardest things in the world. Hearing your child say that he wants to kill himself, that he doesn’t deserve to live – no one should ever have to deal with that. Luckily, thanks to great doctors, a great therapeutic day school, The Frost School (part of the Sheppard Pratt Health System), and Bryce learning these coping skills (He has come downstairs and said – I am thinking of my happy things, but I still can’t sleep), those truly sad days are less frequent for us now. I know there will be bumps in the road, but I can honestly tell others that there is hope out there. That things do get better.

How do you help your child or loved one think of their happy things more often? Here are some suggestions:

  • Make happy things flash cards. Take pictures of their happy things. Print them out and attach them together with a key ring. Make a little flip chart of them for easy reference.
  • Make a Happy Things box. Same idea, but put the pictures in a box. If you need to pick one Happy Thing, close your eyes and reach into the box.
  • Make a Happy Things Bulletin Board
  • Create a Photo Album or Scrapbook showing your child doing all his Happy Things

What other ideas do you have to help someone remember their Happy Things?  Leave a comment and let me know.  

What are your Happy Things?

Thanks for reading.

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Bryce, Cole and Griffin outside yesterday