Mother’s Day – A Story of Hope

I talk about Bryce’s story. But I do not always tell my own. This is part of my story.

On Mother’s Day Weekend, I celebrate being a mom. I celebrate the two women who made me a mom, my children’s birth mothers. I celebrate my mother and my mother-in-law who are amazing mothers, and my sister who I love so much and is also a fabulous mother. I celebrate all of my friends who are mothers. As mothers we work hard, we do our best.Best-Happy-Mothers-Day-Images

My path to Motherhood was not as easy as some.

I always knew I wanted to be a mom. I could not wait to be a mom. I was working long days (and nights) as a corporate attorney. I could not wait until I could tell them that I was pregnant and would be going on maternity leave. But every month my “friend” would come. I was not pregnant. Again. And Again.

After months and months and months of trying, we knew we needed to do something. We got tested.

I am not going to go into all of the details, but we found out that we were not going to be able to have a baby naturally and we needed to do IVF if we wanted to have a baby. We went to a highly recommended specialist in Dallas who told Terry and me that we were young and healthy and there was no reason IVF should not work for us. I took all of the meds, did everything I was told. It was not easy. It was a miserable experience, but we did it.

Not pregnant. Lots of tears. Lots of money. Lots of pain. Failure.

We will try again. The doctor said that our embryos were very good so that was not the problem. At the time, I worked as a corporate attorney at one of the biggest law firms in the world. It was a high stress job. Maybe it was stress? I remember clearly that the managing partner at the time came in my office and suggested that I take a month off to concentrate on the IVF. Rest, he said. Don’t worry. We want you to take the time. We will still pay you.

What? A month off paid to try and get pregnant? Who does that? It was awesome.

Round two – this time we were told we had perfect embryos. PERFECT. They said. As I was leaving the embryologist said to me, “Congratulations on your twins.” I cried. REALLY?

The 10 days you wait. Those awful 10 days. I waited. I felt terrible.

NOT PREGNANT. I cried. I was a failure again. But she said I’d be pregnant. The doctor called.

You should probably think about not trying again. Maybe try a surrogate. I don’t think I can help you.” Failure. A huge failure. But they gave me time off. I am a woman. My job is to get pregnant. My other job gave me time to get pregnant. I have always succeeded at things. Why can’t I do this?

That was Sept. 8, 2001. I failed. My high-pressured job told me to take a month off and relax I get pregnant. I did not. I went back to work on Sept. 10, 2001 to face them as a failure.

The next day the world came crashing down. Literally. I watched the towers fall as my own personal world was crumbling. I was not going to have a child. I had let everyone down. I could not take it. Slowly, I began to crumble just as the towers fell.

My husband Terry worked for Southwest Airlines. I was worried that my husband was going to lose his job. I was worried there would be an another terrorist attack at any minute. My house was in a flight path. Every time a plane flew overhead I thought it was going to crash into my house. Planes flew by my office window. I thought everyone of them was going to crash into my office. I could not be in my house. I could not be in my office.

I could not sleep. I could not eat. I could not stay in my house.

I quit my job. I lost a lot of weight. I cried. I drank. I literally had a breakdown.

People told me I needed help. Terry was there for me but I know he was scared. My coworkers  were there for me. They told me I needed help. Terry told me I needed help. I knew I needed help. I found a therapist. I was diagnosed with PTSD. They said that the combination of the two events happening simultaneously was too much. There were other things too that contributed to it, but those were the triggering events.

It took time to recover. I started to sleep. I went back to work. Medicine helped get me on the right path. I decided to keep going on my path to have a baby.

I would adopt a baby. I was devastated when the doctor told me to give up, but I was not going to let him keep me down. I was devastated that I felt like a failure, but I was going to find the strength to keep going.

I made some calls. I walked into Hope Cottage, a local adoption agency, and from that day, it just felt right.

I have told Karen’s – Bryce’s birth mom’s – story of recovery and how I loved her when I first met her.  And I told you that I love her.  I love her for so many reasons – one of which is because she helped save me too. She made me a mother when I couldn’t be a mom. She allowed me to not be a failure.

I did not have a baby grow inside of me, but I did have a baby with the help of Karen. I did not give up, I made a choice and chose another way to be a mom. I needed help and she helped me with her choice as well.

I was suffering from PTSD after 9/11 and after failing to have a baby. But Karen and Bryce saved me.

You never know how things are going to go in your life. You never know what will happen. I thought I was not going to be a Mother. So on Mother’s Day I celebrate the fact that I am a Mother. I celebrate my Mother. And I celebrate the women who made me a Mother.

Don’t ever give up. Don’t let someone say something to you and let it make you change your dreams.

Thank you and Happy Mother’s Day.

IMG_2200

Advertisements

13 thoughts on “Mother’s Day – A Story of Hope

  1. decodingbipolar May 8, 2016 / 3:09 pm

    I’m so sorry you had to go through all of this, but your story definitely is one of hope! I can’t have children – I had a hysterectomy in my early twenties due to an illness – so we’ll have to adopt as well if we want to grow our family later on. Right now, I have a lot to keep me busy and I’m concentrating on my health, mentally and physically. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. Reading stories like yours makes me feel less alone as my situation is not ‘typical’.

    Like

    • Tracy May 8, 2016 / 5:59 pm

      Thank you for your comments. I am sorry you have had to go through this as well. You are definitely not alone. If you ever have any questions, I am happy to answer them. xoxox!!! I love that we have each other to share our stories.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. KatieComeBack May 8, 2016 / 3:14 pm

    Beautiful story and beautiful family. Is your hubs making the “I love you” symbol intentionally? Or is he channeling Spider Man? 🙂

    Like

    • Tracy May 8, 2016 / 5:57 pm

      Thank you! I will have to ask him. I didn’t even notice!!!! xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Gayle greenberg May 8, 2016 / 3:37 pm

    I have always said things happen for a reason. We don’t always understand d the reason until much later when everything falls into place. You were destined for this journey you are destined to help others To fight for a cause that needs strong people like you to create awareness You are on this journey to change publix opinion, to reduce the stigma and increase the quality if life for those who can’t speak for themselves
    You might not have signed up for this challenge but it is your crusade. And you are perfect for the job. Happy Mother’s Day. Love u momma G

    Like

  4. Melissa Taylor May 8, 2016 / 9:27 pm

    I can totally relate.

    Like

    • Tracy May 8, 2016 / 9:53 pm

      Happy Mother’s Day Melissa! I hope you are having a great one! xoxoxox You have an amazing son and he was soooooo meant to be yours!!

      Like

  5. Leslie May 9, 2016 / 1:21 am

    Thank you for such a lovely post and for sharing it with us all.

    Like

    • Tracy May 9, 2016 / 1:22 am

      Thank you so much for reading and for your kind comment!

      Like

  6. Pepi May 10, 2016 / 9:18 pm

    I remember hearing your story on one of our many playdates! You’re awesome

    Like

    • Tracy May 10, 2016 / 9:28 pm

      Thanks Pepi. You are awesome as well. I just remember you all talking about breastfeeding!! xoxoxo

      Like

  7. Teresa Cefalo Alexandrou May 27, 2016 / 12:50 pm

    I hope you realize how amazing you are.

    Like

    • Tracy May 27, 2016 / 1:24 pm

      You are sweet. I am not that amazing just doing what I can. Thank you so much!!!

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s