Having a child or a loved one with severe mental illness is difficult. Finding out the news and getting the diagnosis is nothing anyone wants to hear. The same can be said for getting the news of any illness. It is hard, scary and you probably do not have all of the information that you need at the time. Parenting is tough enough and now there is a new wrinkle in it. But, if I can give a parent advice for when you find out that your child has a mental illness, a severe learning disability, or Autism – Do not ignore it and Never give up HOPE that things will get better.
We learned early in his life that our son Bryce had severe learning disabilities and mental illness. When he was exhibiting the most severe symptoms and treatment was not yet working, I remember being told to prepare myself that the only option may be a Residential Treatment Center. I was told that things would get worse. At the time he was only 8 or 9, but his therapist and psychiatrist warned me that when he got older and stronger than me, he probably won’t be maintainable at home. It will be a safety issue. He may have to live elsewhere.
I remember thinking that I could not accept that. I did not adopt a child and become a mother for my child to live away from me. There had to be other options. I would do everything I could and not give up until things got better. And if they did not get better, I would make whatever sacrifices I had to in order to keep my family and my son safe. I would not give up. I was told that I may not have a choice. But I would keep fighting.
There is nothing wrong with Residential Treatment and it can be a good option for some children. Bryce did stay in the hospital for more than 30 days at one point. I know that when someone struggles with any illness, including mental illness, that choices have to be made. Sometimes treatment is scary, and that is ok. Find out as much information as possible, get second opinions, ask questions and do what you need to do.
That is what we did. We asked questions. We tried medications, hospitals, schools, therapies. We worked. Bryce worked. His teachers worked. His doctors worked. Everyone worked. It took a lot. It took trial and error. It took a village. It took Hope. It took Not giving up.
Our life is not perfect and it is not always calm, but we get through each day the best we can. Bryce probably plays way too many video games and gets away with a lot. He is behind in school and struggles with many daily activities. Do things happen that are unpredictable and scary? Yes. But for the most part, it is ok.
This past weekend was my fabulous niece Julia’s Bat Mitzvah. Bryce had a great time. He participated and he danced. What no one knows is that about an hour before the ceremony he was outside crying and screaming that he couldn’t take it. He wanted to die and run away. He asked for money to get on a flight to go back home. Tears were streaming down his face. He pushed and shoved me to get away from him. He tried to run.
But I stayed calm. Terry stayed calm. No one else even knew this was happening. We have been in this situation many times before. We know what to do. We know how to handle it. It could have escalated, but it did not. We gave Bryce the space and time he needed. We know the words to say. He was able to pull it together.
Do I worry something could go wrong? That he really will run or hurt someone or himself? Absolutely. Everyday. I worry about other people or even the police taking something he says wrong. Yet, when it comes to our day to day lives and the safety we used to worry about, I have confidence in Bryce knowing how to handle his moods and in myself on how to deal with it as well.
I did not give up, I have hope and always have and always will.
So, I repeat to you – if your child is struggling and out of control – don’t lose hope that it will get better. Keep trying treatments, therapies, medications, different schools, etc. It may take time, trial and error and patience, but there is a fit and you will find it. Mental illness does not have to mean that life will be terrible. Like most illnesses, it can be maintained, controlled and coped with with the right treatment, education and understanding. There will be bumps in the road and there will be challenges; however, that is true with anything.
Keep reminding yourself that there are so many therapies, medications coping skills and different environments. Behaviors and feelings change over time – with practice, patience and hard work. They do not change overnight. There is not a magical cure for mental illness. It takes time to find stability and calm, but it can happen. It has happened for us – and HOPEfully it will last.
If you want advice or guidance, feel free to reach out to me. I have been there. And I am also trained as a crisis counselor. If you are someone you know is in crisis, text HELLO to 741741.